In Oct 2008 I started researching a drug called Nembutal, otherwise known as the Peaceful Pill. This Drug was apparently easy to purchase in Tijuana, Mexico at certain veterinarians and would cause an instant painless death. I noticed it was something mentioned at suicide forums, and began discussing it with those who wanted to get their hands on it.
A certain C Hop was the keenest of all. It was he who wrote back. It is only now, three years later, that I have decided to publish.
Dear Mr Hop,
I read something you wrote on a website and was intrigued with your story as to why you want to take Nembutal and end your life. Are you in pain? How certain are you that you want to follow this through? Did anyone reply with the exact location as where to buy the product?
from another dimension,
Before I tell you more - please explain to me who you are? thankyou
I live in Lima, Peru and am half English. My father died a few years ago of cancer; had I known of the drug then, I may have taken a trip to Mexico. Recently an uncle of mine committed suicide - the circumstances as to why he took that decision were very clinical. I am intrigued, not in a sadist way, but in that moment that separates life and death, and leads someone to make such a decision. Ever since I read Camus - The Myth of Sisyphus - I have been tickled by this existentialist conundrum.
Would you go to Mexico to fulfill this?
Dear Lali, I will definitely write you to tell you the whole story. Can you answer this though? Whats it like in Mexico for accessing Nembutal, or other prescription drugs like lorazepam, valium etc?
Cheers C. Hop
I said I would write to you and tell you my story, and hopefully give you a better understanding of what causes someone to choose death over life. I am sorry to hear about the deaths in your family, my father committed suicide when I was 15yrs old - they didnt find his body for another 3 yrs, which was found at one of my favourite beaches. It was tough to deal with a suicide of someone close, however dealing with that suicde was nothing compared to dealing with depression to this level. Thats not to say that dealing with death is easy. From memory he died of an overdose of serapax - oxazapam i think. which is the way I was originally going to do it and by the looks of it will, as it seems impossible to access Nembutal. I only heard of Nembutal over the internet as a potent drug that kills instantly.
I developed depression at 24, and at the time it wasn't too bad - I could still work and enjoy life to a certain degree. It wasn't bought on by any life event, it just crept up on me - so I gather that I was lucky enough to inherit it from dad.By the age of 27, things were getting worse and I went on anti-depressants and started councilling etc. I left my job and stayed at home and took on renovating as an interest. I thought the anti depressants were working around the age of 28, so I decided to move to the other side of Australia and start a fishing charter. It did ok, however the depression was still there the whole time, i just wasnt aware of it. It got me in the end - 2 yrs and I sold the charter and returned home for help. I am 32 now, and have been chasing help intensively now for 4 long yrs. I have tried all antidepressants, physcology, been hospitalised 2 times, had ECT - shock therapy ( 1 mnth ago ) 23 times which is alot compared to the average person - this did not work and has made me lose most of my memory( short and long term ) and has given me seizures, which has made me lose my drivers licence.
So as you can see I have fought very, very hard at this illness for a long time, and now I am at a stage where I can not fight any more.
What makes you choose between life and death? Well, in my case, it is the constant pain both physically and mentally related to the depression. But also seeing your closest loved ones who you care about so much, and used to have fun and enjoy doing things with - in pain. Especially my wife of 14 yrs - who is the most caring and bubbly person in the world. She has been dragged through hell with me for so long and has supported me emotionally and financially. We still love each other to the point where it hurts. To love someone so much and not be able to enjoy life in the basic ways - hugging, a kiss, a smile, a walk on the beach etc is a terrible thing. And now it has got to a point where I can see her mood and personality starting to slide down hill. it has got to a point where we love each other but are so close to splitting up for her health. It's a crushing feeling and just adds to the pain of the depression. So to answer your question - I have told you most of my story in brief, so as to hope that you may be able to feel my feelings to a degree and then see that all the good things in life don't exist, and therefore dont count - the pain is the only thing I wake up to and spend all day feeling. Therefore I choose death - I see it as an end to all this suffering. I appologise if this offends, but i don't believe there is a god or there is life after death. I believe and seek comfort in the fact that death is death. Once you die everything stops - feelings, memories, pain - everything. So why wouldn't I choose this option?? No I don't want to hang around anymore and wait for a cure or a drug - as I have been told this for many years. No I don't want to hang around so that I can talk and help others with depression - I would love to if my depression eased a bit, but thats not reality.
I hope I havent bored you, but I do hope that I have helped in answering your question about what motivates a person to choose between life and death.
And I will ask again as I am finding it very hard to access any drugs on the net, and it is hard to get to doctors over here when you live in the country and have no vehicle or licence to drive. I would have to go to at least 5 doctors to get the tablets I need. Can you get any drugs such as Serapax, Oxazapam, Valium, Diazapam, or especially lorazepam - I think also known as Activan (not sure). I will pay you for your efforts and the drugs, and pay you first of course so you can trust me! I need 100 of either of those drugs. You would help me out greatly. You don't have to give any names to me or on the medications - just have to post/send them anonymously. Or do you know someone that could get them for me. There are alot of internet pharmacies but I don't trust them, but if you can't help I will have no choice but to send them money in the hope they will send me something. I really don't want to end my life by cutting myself or hanging my self - I want to die in peace- I think I deserve that at least.
Once again thankyou very much for listening and hopefully helping,
Dear C. Hop,
I have read your letter various times, and not been able to reply. I am, as you may imagine, somewhat lost for words. I cannot picture the things you have been through. Thank you more than anything for opening out like you did. I will say, straight off, that I am afraid I will not help you obtain those drugs you ask for - moral dilemma. From the abstraction of geography and the internet I wont fully be able to give you any sound advice I'm sure. But please hear me out. I hope you do give life another chance. Perhaps leave to another country. Living in a third world country, life and death take on new parallels. Seek simplicity. Is it possible to be the master of the beast that haunts you?
(I could carry on pasting what I put but I won't, C Hop never replied, I hope you are there somewhere C Hop in peace)